Blazblue: The Imperator's Pizza Delivery Service?
by Winter's ice
Summary: Their are many things the average person doesn't know about the Imperator. One of them being that when she wasn't busy trying to destroy the world, her minions where busy working in a pizza shop for her. Really! Hazama is not thrilled about this, especially considering he's the delivery boy, and Relius is having a field day harassing him. Just what lies in story for our "hero"?
1. The Imperator and her Pizza Shop?

**In all shapes and forms, this is so not meant to be taken seriously. Not what so ever. Consider it some sort of gag ending, an AU, some sort of crack story, or whatever that was created with my odd sense of humor. This thing came to be because of voice actor jokes, and that in both English and Japanese, the Imperator's voice actress voices C.C. from Code Geass. The character absolutely loves pizza, has a cheese plush, and keeps Pizza Hut running, and well, I just had to write this! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this piece of complete randomness! **

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><p><strong>Date Published: 914/14  
><strong>**Word Count: 3,445  
><strong>**Page Count: 5**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: The Imperator and her Pizza Shop?<strong>

There are many things that could be used to describe the leader of the NOL. She was a woman filled with despair, hatred, and overall was rather terrifying to most people with those eyes deprived of emotions. Her goal was rather simple, all she wanted was for the world to fall into the hands of despair and that all of the people would perish. She wasn't the mastermind here for nothing. That though isn't all that surprising considering that the Imperator was technically Izanami the Goddess of Death and Creation but was using Saya's body as a vessel. How exactly she even got out of the underworld was a mystery but oh well, all she wanted was to screw with her brother/husband Izanagi and kill everyone because he left her rotting body down there. What a wonderful lady, huh? Seriously though, Ragna's whole entire family has had it complicated since day one basically, they so need a vacation. Of course good luck getting them in one room without blood being shed and incestuous innuendos being tossed all over the place. It's like they would fit right on in with the Gallagher's dysfunctional family.

Anyhow, there was one thing about the Imperator/Izanami/#ThatOneDespairingBitch that would surprise all of the people that know the truth about her. It had nothing to do with incest, her real body being filled with rotting flesh and maggots, or that she seemed to be the bad guy a lot these days. She couldn't help but fall prey to the hands of a single recipe that the humans of the world loved so dearly. At first she couldn't comprehend why people would crave such a thing, but after trying it for herself she was automatically hocked on the dish. She wasn't sure though if it was her own desire, or if Saya just loved pizza a lot as a child.

"Pizza…," she said in the most relaxed and happiest voice that no one would have ever believed came out of her mouth. If Ragna heard her like that he would think he was going insane. She was currently in a medium-sized kitchen, sitting in a chair and out-of-the-way in the business district of the 6th Hierarchical City of Yabiko. She normally stays in her home of operations in the 1st Hierarchical City of Ōkoto, but was currently chilling out here instead for the food. The kitchen she was currently residing in was filled with all sort of cooking utensils perfect for the creation of pizza. It had a bunch of fresh made dough, cheese, sauce, and all sorts of crap to cover the food. To her it didn't matter what was on the food. Anything that was meant for a pizza topping was fine with her, and she would gladly gobble it up. As long as they didn't shove odd stuff on it like chocolate or ranch on it she was perfectly fine with it.

She wasn't alone in the room of course, for there was no way she was going to cook the food. She tried once out of pure boredom, and thanks to that she had accidentally poisoned the few people who knows of her existence. Oddly enough one of her subordinates enjoyed the food, but why he did was beyond her comprehension. After taking a small nibble out of the sludge she called food (it didn't look like the food from the underworld so she assumed it was fine) she was determined to never cook again. After all, she has servants to do that anyway. Either living down there for who many centuries killed off her sense of cooking good food, or Saya's cooking skills where interfering with her thought process. She was sure it was because of Saya though, if all of her clones lack any sense of taste, it just had to be her fault.

"The smell is just so…wonderful," spoke the Imperator yet again while taking a sniff of the smell all around her. She never thought anything from this world could ever be this intoxicating. Something about it was just so alluring, like destroying this world, distressing her annoying subordinates, tormenting Ragna with the knowledge he wasn't getting his sister back, taunting Jin while having his childhood friend obeying all of her orders. Just the usual stuff that helps her get through the long and aggravating day. Before finishing off this retched place pathetic humans and other creatures called home, she had to make sure she had a pizza buffet. It would make the satisfaction of watching the world being destroyed just so much more gratifying. Oh, and maybe torturing the important people of 'her' brother's lives right in front of them, and having a magnificently bloody and excruciating death sequence that belonged in some horror game. Something about the combination of her two favorite things just seemed enticing to the body snatching and world hating Goddess.

Unknown to most of the world, the leading lady of the whole entire world had opened a pizza shop. She would have liked it to just have people make pizzas for her whenever she desired one, but a shop was more cost effective. From the calculations done by a certain puppeteer, she would spend far too much money on pizza that could cause the operation of the NOL to be affected. So instead of wasting the money that was meant for abolishing the world and controlling her armies of idiotic puppies, she would just have a few of her soldiers work in this shop. It wasn't going to be a full year thing though, just long enough so she could make enough money to keep up with her desire for the dish. Plus she was enjoying one person's despair, for his position annoyed him so much she was loving it.

"Can someone tell me again when I turned into a pizza delivery boy?! I am meant to be trolling people, making Rags feel like shit, messing with people's memories and mind, not going around and giving lazy ass people their god damn pizza!" bellowed a certain green haired man walking into the kitchen from the open doorway, "Not only that, but I hate this hat! I want to use mine, it makes me look sexy and mysterious! This just makes me look stupid and pathetic!"

The Imperator turned her head to the direction of the complaint, "That is enough Hazama. You know quite well way you are the delivery boy, your work in the Intelligence Department allows you to find people's home much easier. Not only that, but I believe while you are out you can gain much information towards our final and true goal. Besides, you never know whose ware bouts you can learn of by delivering pizzas," she explained in a cold and brash voice.

Hazama, who was currently wearing black pants and a shirt that was mostly green with a black border going around it with a bland looking black cap sighed, "I seriously do not understand why we have to do this." He was fine with all of the other things he has done, hell, he enjoyed doing most of it! Sure, time repeating itself over and over was bad, and then there was the whole continuum shift nonsense that had to take up a lot of years, but this was ridiculous, "I much rather shift through the same time repetitions and our reality being altered than doing this grunt work! Why can't you get anyone else to do this shit?! I'm no lackey when it involves nonsense like this! Just find some orange haired moron do to all of this work!" No matter what way he looked at it, this was total bullshit. He couldn't get anything done while delivering damn pizzas all day long! How could he be a villain if this was all he was doing?

The other person in the room was everyone's favorite father of the year Relius Clover who, along with his wife turned into puppet Ignis. He and his wife puppet was busy making the pizzas at an unusually fast pace, but that was mainly thanks to Ignis. Relius who had discarded his usual coat had changed into white shorts and a purple dress shirt that was sleeveless, "Stop your complaining Hazama, a change of pace is a good thing. You never know who you might run into doing a job like this. Besides I'm sure you could find a lot of people with interesting souls out there for me," he explained. He wasn't one for cooking much, his wife usually took care of it for his household. Even so he was enjoying himself.

"Yeah yeah, you have it easy. You have your super puppet wife to handle all of it! She's moving so fast she could put a blue hedgehog to shame!" bellowed Hazama while pulling out some sort of device out of his pants pocket, it looked like something to detect radiation with a radar on the screen, "Tell me again, what the hell is this thing for? You don't expect me to go around and find radioactive spiders or over-grown lizards do you?"

Relius turned his back to the oven behind him, and looked at him while readjusting his little mask, "That thing there is used to detect anomalies in people's souls. If the device starts to go off, that means there is something either abnormal about them, or something very interesting. Remember Hazama, take special note of the person's home if it goes off," he explained while Ignis was busy working by him. This was one of the benefits of not sitting around an office and having Hazama do all the work for a change, he could find new test subjects without leaving the kitchen. Hazama was officially the Imperators bitch, but it didn't mean he couldn't make him his bitch as well. The green haired fellow is certainly bitchy, so it only made sense he was going to be their bitch.

Hazama watched the puppet move all over the place, pondering how he was moving her around while doing nothing at all with his hands, "You and your damn souls. I feel like you're more sadistic than I am, and that's saying something! What's next, you're going to start eating them to turn into an all-powerful weapon? Oh, are you secretly trying to unleash some sort of powerful monstrosity on the world to make everyone go mad? I feel like you belong down in Rapture, even if you can't get down there, I am sure you would fit right on in with those crazy spliced up bastard. That stupid mask of yours would fit in too, or the _Phantom of the Opera_," complained Hazama to his comrade, "Anyhow, why do I have to do it!"

The Imperator sighed at his behavior, he could always be just so annoying. Not only that, but was it really necessary to make all of those references? He was all over the place with them. Though he was extremely useful, she wasn't fond of his personality, "As I said before Hazama, you can gather information for us out there. If you don't want to use your skills for something useful, I could always dispose of you," she explained with her emotionless eyes gleaming at him, "Or perhaps you would rather be placed on an island full of cats?"

Hazama's face paled a bit the moment her heard her say that. He had an absolute hate for those damn little furry things. They always made his allergies go wild, and that still sounds more horrifying than being facing her wrath, "Fine fine, I'll behave. I swear though, I am so not doing this non-stop. I better get to change my job with someone else. I did not sign up for this shit."

"I will take that into consideration Hazama, but there are no grantees that I will listen to your pleads," she explained in her usual demeanor. She has no real interest in changing the setup, all of the calculations show, he fits best as the delivery boy. All she cared about was not going in the red with her new-found love of pizza.

Before Hazama could say anything else, Ignis grabbed a completed pizza and began to walk towards the open doorway that lead into the front of the building. Besides being a delivery service, the place also doubled as a restaurant. It wasn't anything too special, Izanami didn't want to waste too much money, but it was big enough for people to sit around and eat. After all, the whole entire point of this place was to make money so she could eat her pizza and continue her plan. Well, that is what she says but she does get a kick out of their current situation, "Relius, being around all of these pizzas I have gotten hungry. I would like you to create me one. Remember, nothing funny about it. I would prefer to keep this vessel in working conditions. "

Relius gave her a thin smile, "No need to worry. I would never do anything to it," he explained simply. It wasn't like he hasn't thought of tempering the ingredients to see what type of things would to the unsuspecting victim, _"I'll wait until I'm give a good time," _he thought with a smirk crossing over his masked face.

"That's good. Make sure you get to work then," she replied simply while continuing to watch his puppet move around. Ignis not only worked fast at creating it, but also in delivery. It would also make sense to have her deliver the food to the people in their homes, but then production would decrees. Besides, it would cause Hazama to be around more often. Yeah, that was a no thanks. She doubted that there was anyone in the whole world that liked him.

While that was going on Hazama walked to a chair laying around in the kitchen and sat down, _"Ahh, finely I get a break. I'm sick of this job,"_ he thought to himself. Relius got it easy, all he has to do is have his puppet wife do everything! He can claim he does work, but in reality his puppet bitch does everything. He closed his eyes and leaned back, he can sit around and do nothing like his boss. Why she would shove a bunch of chairs in the kitchen was beyond him, but he kept his mouth shut for once. They did have a back room, so why wouldn't she just use that? To think of it, he doesn't even know what's in there…

"Captain, there is an order going out," exclaimed a voice from the other room. That snapped Hazama out of his peaceful rest, "Aw shit, already? Why can't people just walk here? They have legs, what is so damn hard about using them?! It's not they had it torn off in some science experiment that everyone said to never do!" he exclaimed as his body shot up. For the love of God way couldn't he just do jack shit for a change?!

"I'm sorry Sir, but that is your job. The Imperator gave it to you herself, and as such you should feel honored," spoke the voice again as she walked into the back room. The figure belonged to the currently brained washed Tsubaki. Her eyes didn't bear the usual clear gleam of her blue eyes, rather they were distorted by Phantom's magic and where blood-red. Besides that, she was donning an outfit similar to Hazama; a black skirt that reached down to her knees and a simple black shirt with a red trim.

"Really, I'm supposed to feel honored to be delivering pizzas to a bunch of lazy assholes? You know what Red," began Hazama using his bland nickname for her, "You might think doing anything for her is an 'honor' but really this is just grunt work. An honorful moment is killing I don't know, your childhood friend or best friends' maybe. You know, something that involves a lot of blood, gore, and final pleads filled with despair." Hazama was all up for brainwashing people, he loved doing it! This type of devotion though was seriously over bearing.

Tsubaki gave him a cold stare, "I would rather not kill my friends unless it is absolutely required by the Imperator. For all we know, they could always reconsider and join us…" Despite the magic spell placed over her, she still had some free will left.

"Yeah yeah, whatever Red," with that Ignis handed him a pizza already completed. Just how it was completed in like five seconds flew over his head, but he really couldn't give two shits. He noticed that Relius was smirking, "I can see that you know!" he whined.

"Obviously, you were meant to see it Hazama. Now then, make sure you get going. You don't want to keep the costumer waiting. You know when that happens...," cooed Relius while continuing his work with the puppet.

"I know, the food is free if I'm late," spoke Hazama in an annoyed tone, "Do I look stupid? I'm not Rags thanks, I actually have a brain of my own that is fully functional."

"Sometimes I'm not all that sure, you can be rather arrogant in certain moments," retorted Relius while a smirk.

"Oh just shut up," with that he turned his back on the smirking coronel and started to head out of the opening to the dinner area. While he was leaving the Imperator made sure to put out a warning, "You better not be late Hazama. You know there is a penalty for such a thing." He didn't say a thing to the woman and continued to his walk.

The diner was typical for a pizza shop, the floor was a basic tile pattern. The wall had a red wooden border and light wall paper. There where booths lined up along the sides and some in the middle. In a corner there was some arcade game for the customers to play, something along the lines of a fighting game. There were a few people inside the booths chatting it up, eating pizza, and drinking pop. They all looked so happy, much unlike him.

The only non-customer was the well-endowed women cleaning up the left over plates. Hazama gave her a sly smile and spoke in his usual tone, "Why hello Miss. Faye-Ling, how are you this fine day? Enjoying the menial labor of a dog all for the sake of that _precious_ blob?" His voice was sarcastic, even if Relius was bugging him, bothering her could cheer him up. The pain and annoyance of others could always help him perk up.

Litchi turned her body to face him, and she was wearing a traditional dish-washer outfit. Black pants, black shirt that also had a red trim, and a white apron. The look upon her face spoke of how much she wasn't enjoying this place nor Hazama's comments. She did join with the library all for the sack of saving Roy somehow, but she never thought she was going to get stuck doing a job like this, "I could be better of course. It seems we both hate our current jobs. I didn't think I would need to clean up dishes to save him."

"You sure as hell got that right!" spoke Hazama, surprised he actually agreed with the doctor, "At least you don't have to go out and deliver a bunch of pizzas. Cleaning up after lazy people seem so much better!"

Before Litchi had the chance to respond to him, he bolted out of the door. She looked over to the opening where the rest of her 'co-workers' were, and felt some sort of menacing aura emanating from the back room. She assumed that someone back there was involved and she thought to herself, _"The things I do for love."_

So here laid probably the most bizarre restaurant in the whole world. A pizza shop ran by the strongest lady in the universe, ran by high ranking members of the Library, one brainwashed women, and a desperate scientist. To the customers the people where just eccentric, but if they found out who was in charge, they would have been left scratching their heads in confusion. If Ragna and company found out, they would probably storm in and pick a fight with them. Things may never be the same in Yabiko. The same could be said for the life of a certain green-haired jackass who would win the tittle of the worst delivery boy in the world. Probably.

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><p><strong>Truth be told, I actually gave up on this before I finished it multiple times. It sounded like a funny idea in my head, but typed out it seemed kind of stupid and I didn't have much interest in writing it. Maybe it's because it's only the introduction. I want to write more with the rest of the cast, like Ragna finding Hazama, Jin walking into the pizzeria wondering what Tsubaki is doing there, Bang storming in trying to save Litchi, Kokonoe screwing with Hazama, and what not. If anyone is interested in more, just let me know. Anyway I hoped you liked this odd idea, all of the references, and of course please review.<strong>


	2. Hazama's Delivery Boy Hell!

** Well, I decided to go along and write another chapter. Yup, it's just as goofy. For some reason I was listening to both **_**Moon Pride**_** and **_**Moonlight Densetsu **_**from both **_**Sailor Moon**_** series. I don't why though…should Hazama be a magical girl?! Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this chapter, Hazama's suffering, and random references. **

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><p><strong>Date Published: 920/14  
><strong>**Word Count: 5,2032  
><strong>**Page Count: 8**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Hazama's Delivery Boy Hell! Wait…Why are there Hamsters?!<strong>

"Damn this job, damn those lazy assholes," mumbled Hazama as he walked through the Hierarchical City. The city located on a mountain is filled to the brim with all sorts of people. So many of them where walking by him, minding their own business and using their legs for something useful. Currently and certainly not surprising, Hazama was still not enjoying his special role trusted upon him by the Imperator. Not once did he expect to find himself doing something just so asinine for that women. He didn't mind the murder, kidnapping, espionage, arsine, torture, brainwashing or anything along those lines. This though, oh did this piss him off!

Both of his hands where occupied by a pizza box, wrapped up in a material to keep it warm. His legs carried him extremely quickly as he walked to the home that called in the food order, "I swear that women has gone too far. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't even have that body! Without me, she wouldn't have gotten where she is today! Instead of showing me any signs of gratitude, or giving me a fun job, what does she do? That damn bitch dresses me up in this unsexy costume and forces me to run all over the city giving lethargic people their stupid pizza! Just who the hell does she think she is?!" he yelled out to himself. He didn't care if anyone heard his rants, he just needed to vent his anger at the Goddess somehow. It wasn't like he could go up to the lady and pick a fight with her. He wasn't some moron.

Though it was getting him a lot of stares from the people walking by. A small child noticed his ramblings and asked her mother innocently, "Mama, why is that guy talking to himself? He seems really mad and scary." The small girl and older brother where standing by their mother outside a fancy looking restaurant, as if they were waiting for someone. From his observation, the three of them was waiting for the husband to show up during his lunch break.

"Don't look at him dear. He's just one of those poor unfortunate souls who failed school and can't accomplish anything in his life. You know, the type of people who couldn't care to pay attention in class and ended up in a low paying job. Remember dear, you are much better than that, so don't slack off in school," explained the mother while patting the girl's head.

Hazama's feet came to such a halt that he could have left skid marks on the ground. That bitch seriously just insulted him! Who does she think she is?! She doesn't even know his name and already she is judging his fine character! It isn't like he wanted to be doing this! Certainly he wasn't a fool either! A complete moron wouldn't be able to run the whole damn Intelligence Department, plot world destruction, brainwash and kidnap people and all that shit!

"Oh, and he's the type who'll never get laid either! Just one of those poor saps who have to go around lookin' for some cheap hooker to satisfy his needs! By cheap I mean the type of hooker who's infested with disease or old and wrinkly. Or he could be one of those guys whose best friend is his hand," laughed the brother with a lewd smile crossing over his face.

Oh now that little brat crossed the line! Hazama's head turned down to his watch and made sure he had just enough to time to put that dick in his place! His golden eyes slide open and an evil smile appeared on his face. Now no one insulted him like that! Ragna might hate his guts, but he never once said something that dirty to him! On the other hand though, he could use it against his white-haired archenemy to screw with him. Especially if he threw in Noel, Jin, Saya, and any of the other robotic experiments running around.

"What have I told you about saying those things around your sister!" yelled the mother at the boy who seemed like he couldn't give a single crap about what she said, "You shouldn't be saying things like that in the first place, much less around your sister! When your father gets here for lunch you are going to get a talking to young man!" Well, at least he was right. Hell, when was he ever wrong about an observation? Never, that's when! He should be called the Ultimate Judge of Character or Ultimate Observer!

"Excuse me," started Hazma as he twisted his body to face the family while interrupting their bickering. The evil look had faded away to show a smile and his eyes returned to their normal appearance. He was trying to act as normal and polite as possible for the short time.

"Y-yes sir?" asked the women while trying to keep her voice from cracking into fear.

"I know this might come off as a surprise but," he paused before his face twisted into something from a horror movie and his voice booming, "I'm not doing this because I want to you little bitch! I got dragged into this by my damn boss! Why would someone like me want to spend my life delivering pizzas to lazy bums?! Huh? Huh?! Can you explain that to me?!"

The women jumped at his words and fear invaded her facial features. The small girl quickly went behind her and grabbed her shirt out of fear. The son lost his goofy grin, but remained somewhat calm. Oh, was he scaring them shitless! Now this was more like it!

"And you!" he twisted his head over to the young male, "I can get women if I wanted! I don't need some disgusting, disease ridden whore all over me! I can't get a fine piece of meat without having to pay for something rotten or withered up! So you better shut up, or I'm going to cut off-!" before he continued the captain remembered some rules placed in by the Imperator. He wasn't to threaten anyone with painful death or body mutilation because it could be bad for business. Nor was he allowed to get into any fights, be them vocal or physical. If he did, he could be late delivering the food or be late coming back for more drop offs. So long story short, he couldn't do anything or Izanami was likely to take his head or any other body part.

Hazama coughed, cursing the women over and over again in his head to calm himself down. If the Imperator wasn't such a frightening entity, he would have slaughtered the brat, or at least just chop his balls off. Of course he can't because a certain despair inducing bitch who needs a talking monochrome bear had to put a tight collar around his neck. He didn't like being a dog, but at the moment he preferred to stay alive. The green-haired man straightened his body out and declared, "I apologize, I'm not good at keeping my anger in control at times." The family gave him a confused look before he bolted off to deliver the cooling pizza in his hands.

After that little fiasco, it didn't take long for Hazama to reach his location and drop off the food. He wasn't the delivery boy for nothing, he was fast on his feet and could find something with ease. His skills should be put to a better use, but currently that was impossible. When he was back to his usual business, oh was he going to have fun! The owner of the home was some middle-aged lady with glasses, and she thanked him after giving him a quizzical look. It was like she never saw a greened-haired man delivery pizzas before.

"What was her problem? Has she never seen such a handsome devil in delivery boy cloths before?" laughed Hazama to himself as he started his quick trek back to the restaurant. He was glad to be done with that stupid job. Sure, it would have been nice to beat up that boy, but oh well. Whenever he gets his next chance, he'll just bug Ragna. The white-haired man was always fun to screw with, and all he had to do was wait till he got off the clock to harass him.

"Ahh, after a miserable day, I can always look forward to bothering Rags," mumbled Hazama to himself happily as he walked back. While doing so something in his pocket started to vibrate and play off a hard rock jingle. Hazama dipped his hand into his pocket and pulled up a medium-sized phone with a green case that had the sign of the Ouroboros printed onto it. He looked at the name flashing on the screen and knew right away he wasn't going to like what the person on the other end had to say. With a single flick of his hand he picked up.

"Hello, Hazma the handsome devil speaking, what do you need Relius?" he asked in a sarcastic voice. The Imperator did do him one favor by giving him the communicational device. He always used a telephone in his office, but didn't know their where portable ones as well. It made his life easier actually. Plus those stupid addicting puzzle games where fun to play. Besides playing addicting games, he could call morons and leave annoying messages if he wanted.

"We have another order. Hurry back here quickly, you don't to be punished after all," cooed the voice of the scientist/colonel/#ThatOneProdigiousFather&Husband. Why everyone these days has a hashtag and that one something for a title made very little sense to Hazama. Though it did give him a good way to keep up with people who post almost about themselves.

"I hear you Relius, how about we switch roles for a change? I would love to take it easy and make food for the rest of the day!" whined Hazama to the man. He still doesn't understand why he was the one who has to run all over the place. The stupid puppet would get the job done so much quicker!

"Sorry Hazama, I can't do that. I'm the cook after all, no one else here has the same skill as me. Which is sad considering we have quite a few of women here," Hazama could have sworn he heard the Imperator and Tsubaki telling him to be quite, "Just get back here quickly so you don't anger the Imperator or any customers," with that statement the masked man who should be shipped to Rapture hung up the phone. Now this was the only downside, having to hear Relius order him around. It really should be the other way around, Hazama shouldn't be his bitch!

"Yeah, you're the only one with the skill to dissect people and turn them into puppets. That, and you would so get along with that nut case Sander Cohen. The damn creeper," complained Hazama after returning the phone to his pocket. Then he wondered if Relius could play the piano. He did give off the vibe of someone who would play those creepy pieces.

Anyhow, it was going to be a long, long day for him. He just hoped that he wouldn't get multiple deliveries at once. Now that was a huge pain in the ass! Plus he wouldn't get any help.

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><p>As luck would have it, or the lack of in his case, Hazama had received multiple delivery orders throughout the day. He was sure he was no Ultimate Luck, but right around now it would have been nice. So our poor 'hero' ran around all over Yabiko, complaining about his job, the leading lady of the world, dropping off pizzas, and receiving more and more messages from that annoying asshole Relius. Even though he couldn't see his face, he knew he was smirking. Especially in those damn text messages, he could just feel it seeping through!<p>

"I just know he's enjoying my despair right about now," mumbled Hazama as he made his way to another delivery. Soon enough the sun will be gone and night taking control over the land, "Just a few more hours and I'll be done! You can do this Hazama, you aren't some sexy man beast for nothing," he said cheerfully to himself. He's been through time loops before, so this isn't as bad. Living the same day was annoying, but once this is done, it's done for good. He won't have anything to remind him of his miserable day at all!

Right then and there he heard an odd and small squeak sound emanating from below his feet. He paused for a second, wondering what could be causing the sound, "Is there a mouse around here? Or is it some type of wild Pokémon? Maybe I'll get lucky and catch a Pikachu or Dedenne," laughed Hazama. He wouldn't be surprised if there were some type of rats or mice around here. His current delivery was to a house on one of the lower levels of the city, and the lower you got, the filthier it was. It wasn't like the NOL kept everything clean. Only the places where they go to are taken care of well.

The squeaking continued though, and before he knew it something was trying to crawl its way into his foot, "What the hell? Is something trying to eat my shoe?" he spoke before he looked down. The thing on his foot was a small little critter that seemed to be distressed and looking for help. It continued to squeak out, trying to find its comrades.

"Why is there a hamster here?" he spoke while crouching down and placing the pizza box on the ground and looking at the small animal. To the surprise of almost everyone who knew him, he actually liked rodents. They did share a common enemy, those pesky cats. If he stumbled upon a creature with a common enemy, he didn't mind making a truce. At least in this case, he wouldn't mind helping the little thing. He might not need a pet (unless it's a chicken) but he couldn't help but like the little thing.

He picked up the small animal and petted its head, "Hey, were you being chased by some damn cat? Don't worry about that, I'll skin the damn thing and cook it for you if I run into it," he spoke to the little animal. Izanami gave him the order to not fight, but there was nothing about him skinning any of those felines, "Well, that is if my allergies don't go wild."

"Hey, by any chance did you find a little hamster around here?" asked a voice he instantly recognized. Hazama's whole body froze in fear for the first time in a long time as the little animal moved around in his hand, obviously unaware about the situation he was in.

_"Oh shit, why is he here?!"_ was the first thing he thought, _"Rags is so going to make fun of me and I won't be able to do anything! God damn it! I can't kick his ass, taunt him, or find Jin and Nu and have them chase him around town! I wonder if I call Red, would she come and give him the hand of 'justice' like she always talk about? She could save me from this situation!"_ Hazama has never felt ass pathetic as he does right now. Why was it Ragna of all people?! He would never be able to live it down, and the tables would be turned! He has the ability to screw with his mind because of the power he has over him! If Ragna didn't feel any sense of intimidation, how would he have his sadistic fun? Well, there is always Jin…

"Hey," began Ragna while walking over to the man he currently didn't recognize and crouched down next to him, "Oh, you did find the dumb thing. I was looking all over for you," spoke Ragna in an astoundingly kind voice. He then picked up the small animal and rubbed it's head gently, "You scared the shit out of the other three you know? Don't do that again, you hear me? If you do, I'm going to hand you over to Noel." The little hamster just nodded its head while being petted. To say the least Hazama never expected him to act like that!

_"Hold on a second, Rags is nice to animals? Ha, I can use this against him! Maybe next time I run into him I should lite some animals on fire and throw them at his face to torment him!"_ thought Hazama as a grin crossed over his face while also playing with his bangs to hide his face and pulling down his goofy piece-of-shit hat.

Ragna looked at Hazama, still not recognizing him, "Thanks for finding him," while a curious look invaded his face. The white haired man placed the hamster into his pants pocket gently and then stood up while continuing to look over the man.

"Wh-what d-do you need?" spoke Hazama while trying to mask his tone of voice. He wanted to sound more feminine and weak to throw off the multi-eye colored man. If Ragna found out who he is, he wouldn't have as much fun! Sure, he would still be able to fight him and pour his blood everywhere at a later point in time, but still.

Ragna continued to look over him before a smirk crossed over his face, fits of laughter breaking through his voice, and him motioning his hand to his sword, "Oh, now isn't this surprising! This is just so priceless! I never thought I would find you like this Hazama! Kokonoe is going to get a kick out of this when she finds out you got fired! Now then you asshole, how does it feel to be at the bottom of the barrel?" he bellowed to his enemy. His face is filled with victory, the joy of seeing his archenemy as a delivery boy must be making him ecstatic.

"Huh? I-I'm not Hazama! I'm Kazama!" yelled out the green-haired man while continuing to use his fake voice. Ragna is a moron, how could he have figured it out so quickly? Did he suddenly turn into some psychic?

"Kazama my ass! Your name tag," Ragna couldn't help but laugh right there while pointing at Hazama's chest before regaining his composer, "Says your name is Hazama! Last time I checked there is only one green-haired asshole with that name! Now stop acting like someone else and stand up! I'm going to kill you right here and now!" The look on his face though just showed how funny he thought the situation was. How it served Hazama right after everything that has happened and everything he has done.

Hazama cursed his luck and looked down at his uniform, "The damn thing just had to have a 'effing name tag, didn't it? That stupid bitch just had to plaster my name on it!" He got up and stared at Ragna, "I also didn't get fired Rags! Guess what? Your beloved sister is making me do this against my free will! Your cherished sister is making me run around like this and what about you huh? Do you think what you are doing is manly?"

"What are you talking about? At least I'm not dressed up like that! I still can't believe that you're a pizza boy! I wished I had a camera right now! Everyone would love to see you like this! The full of himself asshole is stuck as a delivery boy! All you need now is a foul mouth robot and Cyclopes and your comedy act would be perfect!" replied Ragna while getting into a fighting stance, ready to take down his enemy as fast as possible.

"At least I don't have a hamster! How can you stand there and act so virile when you have something so horribly cute in your pocket!" replied Hazama while trying to think of a way to distract Ragna. He was completely weaponless, but that didn't make him weak. Even so, he would still have trouble keeping up with Ragna with his blade. He also had to deliver that pizza or he would be screwed or skewered by the Imperator.

"What does the hamsters have to do with this!" he yelled back, and to Hazama's surprise four hamsters popped out of his clothes, two from his both pants pockets and two from his coats, "Hey! Get back in there! I don't need any of you falling out when I'm fighting!"

Hazama busted out laughing at the sigh, "Hahaha, Rags has hamsters all over the place! Should I get you a hamster suit to go with your little pets? I'm sure that would suit you perfectly! Who would have thought that Ragna the Bloodedge would have cute little critters with him!"

"Well having hamsters are still better than working at a pizza place! I highly doubt Saya would have you delivering pizzas, so she had to fire you! You're just so annoying that even she didn't want to put up with your shit! Now just shut up and let me kill you!" and with that Ragna launched himself at Hazama gripping his sword tightly and the little hamsters holding onto his clothes for their dear little lives.

"Wow, calm down Rags! You don't need to get so violent with me!" with that he ducked and moved out-of-the-way of his sword, "How about we just talk about it, huh? I could probably get you a free pizza! Morons like free food, right?" with that he dogged another one of his swings, but his footing is displaced while trying to avoid the pizza on the ground.

"I could care less about pizza right now!" he yelled while connecting a blow with the hilt of his sword to Hazama's chest and sending him flying backwards, "Come on Hazama, get up! I'm sure you're the more pathetic one out of the two of us! Having hamsters is better than working at a pizza place!" with that he swung down but missed.

"Damn it! This isn't a fair fight Rags! I don't have any weapons! Plus I have work to do!" he looked down at the pizza box that is so very close to Ragna's sword. He jumped to the box as if he was trying to catch a fly ball and picked it up, "I don't have time for this shit! I'll deal with you some other time Rags, and when we meet again I'll kick your ass like usual!" and with that Hazama started to run away. At that very moment he felt like the most pathetic person in the world! This never happens! Hazama isn't a coward, but orders are unfortunately orders.

"Waaa, hey! Get back here!" responded Ragna while of course taking chase, and the hamsters still holding tightly into his clothes, "You never gave me a break! So why the hell I am going to give it to you of all people! I'm not stupid Hazama!"

"You'll give me a break or else your damn sister is going to do something drastic to me! I'm not sure about you, but I like my balls! I don't want her cutting them off! Come on, be a pal, leave alone for now! I can't fight and I have to work! You don't know how scary that women can be!" pleaded, yes you read that right, pleaded Hazama. He felt so ashamed of himself, but there isn't anything else he can do to get Ragna to leave him alone! He might be a bastard, but he did follow his orders rather well. Plus, he wanted to keep his boys.

"There is no way I'm doing that! Just get back here and let me demolish you for once and for all! I'm sure being dead is better than delivering pizza all day!" he yelled back violently.

"I can assure you, being dead is not fun! Just go away with your hamsters and leave me alone!" he yelled back while running as fast as possible. Where's Phantom when he needs her?!

So the rest of it went like this, Hazama trying to do his best to lose Ragna, and said boy not giving up the chase. Hazama's cries could be heard all throughout the lower district, gaining all sorts of attraction. People from all of the homes came out and were shocked to see a pizza boy running drastically away from Ragna the Bloodegde. Some people even pulled out cameras to capture the rare and unexpected scene. If it wasn't for them crying out in fear and calling up NOL soldiers, Hazama was sure he wasn't going to lose him. The minute the NOL members appeared, Ragna finally ran off but felt most definitely looked proud.

After over forty-five minutes the pizza was finally delivered. The owners of the home weren't thrilled. They started to yell at Hazama, demanding not to pay, and being completely obnoxious. Hazama, whose clothes were damaged from Ragna's attacks and he himself scuffed up just gave the man the pizza and spoke with a demented look on his face, "Just pay for the damn pizza. I protected the food from Ragna the Bloodegde! I did everything in my power to get it here to you in one piece, and I do not want my boss to cut my balls off! So if you want to keep yours, you better pay me in full right now!" The man just gave out a girly shriek of fear and paid him in full. Hazama gave a sigh of relief as he started to walk back.

"I sooooo need a better job. I should just destroy the world by myself. Why do I need a woman to do it in the first place? I can do it myself! I can find a way!" he yelled before he heard the phone go off. With a huff he picked up, already knowing who it was.

"What the hell do you want," he spat out to the masked man on the other end.

"My, don't you sound lovely," teased the scientist, "The Imperator just received a phone call about you threating to cut off a poor man's balls. She isn't thrilled about that. She did tell you to be nice to the customer, not to threaten him with bodily mutilation. Especially not genital mutilation. She wants you back right now. You should have been back thirty minutes ago, and she had to have Litchi deliver pizza in your place. She even has a punishment in store for you. I'm sure you're going to enjoy it."

"Relius, just shut the hell up, and stop the damn smirking!" and with that he hung up on him. Shoving the phone back into his pocket he looked up to the darkened sky and sighed, "How did I get roped into this? I should have never made a deal with Izanami. I should have just leave her be. Nooo, I had to be stupid and let her run amuck! I am so screwed, damn it! I'm going to get my revenge on you Ragna, even if I have to stalk you!"

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><p>"My, no wonder you sounded so miserable, you look it," spoke Relius as Hazama walked into the kitchen. He had no pizza ingredients before him, just his puppet wife and the usual sneer as he leaned his body back against the counter, "Did you get into a fight with a trash compactor? I never took you as the type to rummage through garbage."<p>

"Yeah, whatever, I'm sure you'd look like shit too if you were trying to avoid a fight with Ragna," replied Hazama simply while looking at the Imperator who was sitting in her chair.

"You ran into him? Was that why you took so long?" asked the foreboding women in her usual bland and uninterested voice.

"Exactly, I did my best but he just wouldn't leave me alone. He was like a fan girl who just couldn't keep his hands off of me," joked Hazama while taking off his dirty hat.

The Imperator sighed at his typical behavior, "I forgot about him. If he is here, than the others must have followed after him. This is bound to be interesting. Even so, that isn't an excuse for your poor performance and so you will receive punishment."

Hazama sighed at that, "Yeah yeah, I get it. Wasn't it punishment enough to have run away from Ragna like a little baby?" He rolled his eyes at the women as he looked over his damaged and dirty clothing, "That was just pathetic."

"No, but I know a much more fitting penalty," she turned her head to the back door and called out in an uninterested voice, "Tsubaki, bring it here. It's time for his punishment."

"Of course," responded a just as uninterested Tsubaki as she walked into the room carrying the tool of Hazama's punishment.

"No, no no no no no, anything but that!" yelled out Hazama while backing away from the red-head walking towards him. Of all things, why did it have to be that evil thing!

"Just hold still Captain, the sooner you get your punishment over the sooner the Imperator will forgive you for your horrible performance," spoke the brainwashed girl who seemed like she was enjoying the scene before her.

"Please no, I don't care what she thinks just keep it aw-ahhhhhhhhhh" he yelled out as a small kitten is placed on his head, and his allergies started to flare up. He just couldn't stop sneezing and started to run around a bit screaming out in agony, "Get this thing off of me! Please!" Right there he decided he much rather deal with Ragna than any type of cat ever.

Relius was laughing lowly, Izanami watched with little interest, and Tsubaki found it hard not to laugh at his suffering. Despite having her mind under control, parts of her personality was still intact.

Before long Litchi walked in and stared at the confusing scene before her. Seeing the man who bribed her into joining the library was running around frantically trying to get a cute, small, brown and white kitten off of his head. The rest of her coworkers where just watching the scene unfold and laughing at him. She never thought she would hear him scream just so girly, _"What have I gotten myself into? Roy, when you get your body back you are going to owe me big time for going through this." _Granted though, she did find it entertaining.

So the rest of the day consisted of Hazama suffering and being in despair. Granted though everyone else seemed to enjoy it. Little did he and the rest of them know, this wasn't the end of the goofy road before them. The rest of the cast would (probably) rear their head and mess up this already odd scenario. For Hazama though, his continued suffering wasn't that far off.

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><p><strong>Wow, this is like 2,000 words longer than expected! Oh well.<strong> **I enjoyed writing Hazama in this, he's like my favorite one besides Makoto to write for some reason. I liked this one better than the first chapter for sure. Anyway, I added in the cell phone thing but I can't remember if they exist but oh well. This isn't meant to be taken seriously after all. Now you must be wondering why Ragna has hamsters, but that is also a voice actor joke. If you haven't noticed, I love those types of jokes. In **_**Dangan Ronpa 2 Goodbye Despair**_**, his Japanese actor voices an over-the-top character who has hamsters and known as the Ultimate Breeder. I'm sure I'll be using more voice actor jokes in the future. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this goofy chapter and of course please review!**


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